“1. Drinking terrible alcohol.
There is a time for Mad Dog 20/20, and that time is before you are legally allowed to drink. We all know that drinking the really janky booze which costs less than a soda is only an efficient way to punch your liver and head repeatedly with metaphorical brass knuckles on. There is no hangover like a cheap wine hangover — it is the moment at which you literally consider suicide because no pain could be as great as the waves of nausea/throbbing which wash over you with the self-loathing of having put yourself in this position. Plus, no one in their 20s should be showing up at a party with a bottle of something which tastes like gasoline with Kool-Aid in it, that shit is just not classy. At least get a cheap beer if you have to, it can’t do as much damage.
3. Dating people who are terrible for you.
There are only so many times you can break up with the same dude who ignores your calls and treats you like you’re insane when you expect him to keep the dates he sets with you before you’re like “Fuck it, I’m just gonna date someone with a savings account who is nice to my mom.”
4. Having an unprofessional voicemail.
Perhaps it’s just me, but I know at least three people in my life who are ostensibly hot on the hunt for a job, and have an outgoing voicemail message that is either musical, incoherent, or a prank. Yes, I know someone in his mid-20s who has the “fake-out ‘Hello?’” voicemail. Not only should that dude not be surprised when no one wants to hire his childish ass, he deserves to toil in the fields of Building Character until he gets it properly instilled in him that a simple “You’ve reached blahblahblah” will do just fine. This isn’t open mic night at the comedy house — we’re just leaving a message. (I should take this moment to add that I have often considered changing my outgoing message to “I don’t even listen to these god DAMN,” so I may not have much room to criticize. But at least I’m not torturing my callers with my singing voice.)”